I remember several years ago having a discussion with my Israeli neighbor. She had just moved to the United States and told me she didn’t understand why we Americans are "so fake." She said she found it weird that when asked how we are doing, we automatically say, “I’m fine, how are you?” I’d never really thought about it, and I inquired how things were different in Israel. “Oh,” she said, “we’re honest with each other. If someone is having a terrible day, you hear all about it." 

Huh.

It was the first time I realized that saying “I’m good” is a default response, like breathing, for myself and for so many of us.

One of the silver linings I’m seeing all around me now is that people are being more vulnerable and candid with one another since the pandemic started. Some friends now answer “How are you?” with a straightforward, “not well” or “this is hard.” Others admit they’re not sure how they’re doing. Still others declare, “I’m good,” then pause, and confess “actually, that’s not true. I'm kind of freaking out.” One friend called me back several minutes after we hung up the phone to say, “You know how I told you I’m fine? I’m not.”

Recently, an Executive Director of a newly formed nonprofit asked me how to go about getting publicity for his new youth-empowerment program. I asked him where he was in the process, and he told me he was piloting the program in a few weeks. He wanted to start getting press now though to raise funding. This made no sense to me (except for the fear of running out of money, a pressure every ED faces). “I think before worrying about publicity, it's better to focus on piloting the program and making the program as strong as possible,” I suggested. "Right," he said, "but what about getting publicity?"

The next week, a filmmaker asked me how she could get her short video to go viral. I told her that no one can really predict what will go viral. What we can do is try to create something that is really good first. She smiled and wanted to talk more about going viral.
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I understand intimately the feeling of urgency to get the spotlight on my work. I’ve lived and breathed the anxiety that comes from craving validation that my work is as good as I hope; a need for funding so I will be able to continue the work I love; and the race to get my idea out there before someone beats me to it. It doesn’t help that we live in a culture obsessed with buzz. Success is linked with being featured on media outlets, discussed on Twitter (better if you get your own hashtag), and being offered a TED talk.

All this anxiety creates a hunger for publicity before the project is even done (but it’s so close, right?!). If you feel this is happening to you, recognize it. Take some deep breaths, and let yourself know you’re where you are supposed to be. How will you know it’s truly time to go after publicity? Here are the questions I recommend asking yourself:

1. Are you done with the project?

It sounds practically old-fashioned but it's our job to focus on the work, first and foremost. Spend the time you need on it until you can say that you’ve given it your all (perfectionists, I see you, and you have to let go at some point). Then, share it with a small group of people whose opinion you respect. I’m not talking about family and friends who will say it’s great because they love you. Find a small focus group of people, ideally in your industry, who can speak knowledgably. If you have a personal advisory board, this is a good time to rely on them. Stay as open as possible as you listen to their feedback, even if it’s hard to hear. Wait until you can be objective, and then incorporate the changes you know will make the project better. This make take one round, or a few rounds. It may slow things down but you get one chance to launch.

Note: I've been told that it's important to generate a lot of buzz before my projects got released. This doesn't make sense to me unless you already have a large devoted audience following you already. If I am excited about someone’s project, I want to see or experience it right away. In this oh-so-noisy world, I don’t want to have to try to remember when it will be released. It’ll be gone from my brain by then. There should be some active step an audience can take.

2. Can you define your own version of success?  

Before releasing your project into the world, ask yourself what success will look like for YOU. Many of us dream of awards, front-page news, glowing testimonials and bestseller lists. There’s nothing wrong with aiming high but ask yourself if there are other alternatives of success. I love making projects that inspire people to pursue their own paths rather than getting trapped into what society deems acceptable. Yes, it was always my aim to reach many thousands of people with each project but I also felt it would be worthwhile if I were to change the lives of many dozens of people in a substantial way. What do you need to happen in order to qualify your project as worthwhile? Write that down before you launch so you don't lose sight of it.

Have you celebrated completing your vision? 

As Kerry David, my co-director on our documentary SEEKING HAPPILY EVER AFTER told me, you get only one chance to create something exactly as you intended it and have it belong to you. Once you release it into the world, it is no longer truly yours. People will have their own edit suggestions, interpretations and opinions, and it is no longer yours in the same way. Presumably you didn’t begin making your project for someday publicity. Whether you get excellent feedback from the outside world or not…celebrate the fact that you finished a project that was meaningful to you. Take a victory lap for being willing to see your creation through and put your ideas out there. Soak in the joy, toast yourself, buy yourself a swank takeout dinner. 

If and when you can answer yes to all these questions, you’re likely ready to pursue publicity. Of course, you'll need a concrete publicity plan with a schedule, pre-written emails, and list of contacts with email addresses. It's not just a wing and a prayer. You'll need a good combination of high-octane coffee and daily yoga or meditation. This part of the journey can make even the most confident feel vulnerable and exposed.

Hopefully, you’ll get shout-outs galore. But do trust word of mouth. When a project is good, others want to see it. Don't you? If your topic is compelling and  resonates with people, it will find its way. In the meantime, keep celebrating the hard and beautiful work you did in creating something meaningful.

If you like this you might enjoy:

• Are You Celebrating the Tiny Wins with Your Family & Staff
• Why Starting a Business is a Whole Lot Like Tubing
• Six Key Advisory Roles No One Talks About

​Also, if you have an AVERSION to self-promotion, I highly recommend this read by Amanda Hirsch of Mighty Forces.
 

When founders are asked whether they have an “advisory board,” they often cringe because it’s one more thing to set up and manage on an overflowing to-do list. When it was brought to my attention, I pictured weeks, maybe months, of tracking down the “right” roles: lawyer, marketing expert, finance person, etc. But what I found when starting my nonprofit was that there was a different kind of advisory board that I needed first, a dream team of people who could support me when I was feeling isolated and doubtful (which was often). For any of you in the start-up trenches, here are the roles I found the most necessary, and I'd be curious to hear yours.

My advisory-role suggestions include the person who:​
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• makes you laugh during dark times: You just got rejected for a funding opportunity. Or your website crashed. Or you sent out a press release with a humiliating typo. You will need this person who reminds you with humor, even gentle ribbing, not to take it all so seriously.
  
  
• keeps you accountable when you need it: Some weeks you’ll have invisible goals that must get done but include no glory payoff. This includes setting up a bank account, incorporating your business, creating a first round of board choices. There’s no specific deadline so it is not getting checked off. This person allows you to send them your goals once a week, maybe every two weeks, and holds you accountable.
  
  
• inspires you to keep going when you desperately want to quit: There will be plenty of moments when it just seems too hard, and why bother? Why did you think this was a good idea? This connection reminds you of the other times in your life that you got through and landed on your feet. They remind you of why this is important to you.
  
  
• doles out tough love when you still want to quit: We should all be allowed to wallow in our frustration and worry for a time. But then...enough already, we need to brave up and get back in the game. Your tough-love advisor knows just how to convince you to get going.
  
  
• has a ton of LinkedIn contacts and loves connecting people: You’ve been getting away with doing your own marketing or publicity or design for awhile but it’s time to step it up. Plus, you are growing and need help. You can always hit up your social-media crowd but this advisor loves making the professional hook up and is your starting point.
  
  
• cheerleads with you after victories: You landed the grant or investment! You had an amazing meeting with a client! You killed it during a pitch! You want to tell the whole world but you don't want to brag. This advisor is as excited for you as you are for yourself, and will wave those pom poms no matter what's going on in her/his/their own life.
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My 16-year-old daughter recently hit a quarantine roadblock. "I was doing pretty well with a daily schedule and making healthy food choices and stuff," she told me. "But now I'm staying up too late, procrastinating on my work, and eating too much because I'm bored." I congratulated her on the win. 

She looked at me like I was a little crazy. “Um,” I just told you that things are falling apart over here.” I nodded and let her know that my week was similar – I was skipping showers, also stress-eating (hello, York Peppermint Patties, my old friend) and not checking in with people as much I had planned on. But instead of punishing ourselves, we should appreciate that we recognize things are off track because it means we can adjust and try again with new intentions and a realistic game plan, or just give ourselves some quiet breathing room.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom’s valuable lesson of learning to take stock of my wins on a daily basis. I’m not talking about clearing enormous hurdles, winning awards, and getting huge promotions. I’m talking about the little invisible wins that quietly propel us forward while building resilience.

It’s about momentum…

When I started the nonprofit MEDIAGIRLS, I was overwhelmed those first few months. My background was making media. What did I know about incorporating as a nonprofit, setting up payroll, establishing a board, etc.? Who did I think I was? Even thinking about all the things I didn’t know made me want to call my boss some days and quit. Except…I was my boss, and I’d started this whole thing. There was no way I could endure the wild ride of establishing a new business if I remained panicky in my uncertainty.

So I followed my mom’s advice and jotted down a few bullet points each day in a journal listing my accomplishments. Again, we’re talking small wins: I called the bank to figure out how to set up an account; I researched the phrase “fiscal sponsor”; I cried only once that day from frustration. These bullet points created a sense of momentum. Maybe I wasn’t “crushing it” as a business owner but I was trying, learning, risking, and being brave. Every few weeks I looked back at my journal and noted how far I’d come. Writing down the tiny wins made my progress undeniable and gave me the courage to keep going.

Parents of girls: We are a culture obsessed with comparing ourselves to others (Instagram, anyone?) and hyper-focusing on our flaws. This is perhaps most true of girls, whose confidence drops by 30% between the ages 8 and 14 (The Confidence Code, 2019).  It is a vital act and service to teach our girls, and model for them, how to appreciate who we are and what we bring to the table. Taking stock of our tiny wins is the way to do this because it is internal, in our control, and requires no outside validation.

Making “weekly wins” a policy

As MEDIAGIRLS started to grow and I hired a small staff, I instituted a policy that every Friday we would celebrate our “weekly wins.” What did we get right? What did we learn? What moved us forward? The rule is that we can’t mention at this time what went wrong or how it could have been better. Being humble and learning from our mistakes is also essential but a separate discussion. Some days are much harder than others to find the wins but I promise there’s always at least one.

Back to my daughter…

We appreciated the small –  yet pivotal – win of realizing she was struggling and needed to adjust some habits. We talked out a few realistic changes she could try this week, not more than two or three, with a plan to check back in a week later to see what went well. Then we’d celebrate those tiny wins and tweak some more. I’m hoping this way of approaching life will stay with her long after quarantine ends and become part of her daily practice.

On my list of wins today: In addition to writing this blog, I showered before 9 AM. I remembered how to spell “accommodate” (okay, I had to look it up on Google but I’ve now memorized it, I think). I put my reading glasses where they actually belong so I wouldn’t spend an hour hunting for them later. It’s unlikely anyone will hear this news and fling confetti at me or raise their glass in a toast. But I’ll quietly cheer on my small victories and let them move me forward.

Last month, I went tubing down the Deerfield River in Western Massachusetts with my family. It felt so good to be moving freely in nature without a mask on, and the experience was a little surreal after spending years using tubing as a metaphor for starting a business.

It’s like this...

You pick up your tube and step into the river clutching it awkwardly but ready for adventure. You stand there wondering when you should  go…is it now? Should I go NOW? Do I just GO? There is no one to tell you when. This part is like announcing to the public you are opening for business. It’s so exciting but you keep thinking about reasons to postpone it (“I don’t have the right office supplies,” “the website could be more dynamic,” "I should announce it on a Monday," etc.).

I’m certainly in good company when it comes to jobseekers: There are 7.2 million Americans who don't have a job and are looking for one. I am fortunate in that I did not get furloughed or laid off (it was a choice I made), and I know millions of others are suffering far more substantially, trying to figure out how to make rent and/or buy groceries. While we are not all in the same boat, we all do need support because we are not in the driver’s seat during a time packed with uncertainty. What's the best way to support us? Certainly it depends on our personalities and, even then, our needs might fluctuate. But I thought it might be helpful to create a list of some of the best and worst things I’m hearing from loved ones, all who have good intentions, to get the conversation started.

Note: I'd love to hear from others what you find helpful and not helpful so please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.
 
4 things NOT to say to someone looking for a job:

1. "How is your search going – did you ever hear back from that company you were interviewing with?" If the jobhunter got a job, you’d know. We'll shout it out. By asking this, you’re likely making the person relive the disappointment of not getting it.
2. "It must be stressful looking for work when so many other people are looking for jobs at the same time!" Ummm, yes? Stating the obvious is not helpful.
3. "Have you thought about trying _____?"  It almost doesn’t matter what advice comes next. Most of us jobseekers know what we are interested in and are doing all sorts of research on how to pursue it. Your well-intentioned advice likely sends a message to us that we are clueless on the basics. There are exceptions to this rule, and do certainly share a tip if you believe it to be truly unique.
4. "I'm sure things will turn around soon!" Let's face it, no one can be sure what is going to happen in these chaotic times. This comment, made to be positive, honestly feels like a cheap throwaway.

4 things to say to someone looking for a job:

1. "I’d love to keep an eye out for jobs that might be a good fit for you. Is this something that would be helpful? If so, can you share info with me about what you’re seeking?" This is especially useful if you know people in the same industry. Do  only ask this if you’re going to follow through on it.
2. "I would love to go through my LinkedIn contacts and make some connections for you if that would be helpful."  Again, if you get a “yes,” make sure you act on it. If you don’t have time, offer the  jobhunter the chance to go through your LinkedIn contacts and report back on who they'd like to connect with.  
3. "I just want to reassure you in case there is any doubt that you have so many amazing skills and such good experience; you will find a job." This is a soothing balm, and even the  most confident among us may need reminders! 
4. "I don’t presume to have job solutions but I am here to listen with no judgement or advice." Our feelings about being unemployed may change regularly. I know I was extremely frustrated last Monday when the only listings were for biotech jobs (not my thing). On Thursday, I was elated when my unemployment allowed me to pack a book and snacks and ride my bike to the Boston Public Gardens. So, it’s best to ask jobhunters  if they want to talk about the search; and in any case, do bring up non-job topics too because it’s (hopefully) not the only thing we have going on in our lives.

For us jobhunters: It is up to us to stay in touch with our feelings and needs, and make sure we’re expressing them to our friends and loved ones. They are not mind readers.  It doesn’t mean you’re committing to only one type of conversation; we can always tell our family/friends, “So today, I could use _______” or “I’d love to talk about anything except jobhunting right now,” or whatever else feels right. Like all the emotional biggies—pregnancy, illness, divorce, pandemics, etc.—we should not test people on whether they guess correctly how to show up for us. What matters is that when we relay our hopes and needs, they do their best to listen and meet us where we are. We are for the most part all doing our best!