My 16-year-old daughter recently hit a quarantine roadblock. "I was doing pretty well with a daily schedule and making healthy food choices and stuff," she told me. "But now I'm staying up too late, procrastinating on my work, and eating too much because I'm bored." I congratulated her on the win.
She looked at me like I was a little crazy. “Um,” I just told you that things are falling apart over here.” I nodded and let her know that my week was similar – I was skipping showers, also stress-eating (hello, York Peppermint Patties, my old friend) and not checking in with people as much I had planned on. But instead of punishing ourselves, we should appreciate that we recognize things are off track because it means we can adjust and try again with new intentions and a realistic game plan, or just give ourselves some quiet breathing room.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom’s valuable lesson of learning to take stock of my wins on a daily basis. I’m not talking about clearing enormous hurdles, winning awards, and getting huge promotions. I’m talking about the little invisible wins that quietly propel us forward while building resilience.
It’s about momentum…
When I started the nonprofit MEDIAGIRLS, I was overwhelmed those first few months. My background was making media. What did I know about incorporating as a nonprofit, setting up payroll, establishing a board, etc.? Who did I think I was? Even thinking about all the things I didn’t know made me want to call my boss some days and quit. Except…I was my boss, and I’d started this whole thing. There was no way I could endure the wild ride of establishing a new business if I remained panicky in my uncertainty.
So I followed my mom’s advice and jotted down a few bullet points each day in a journal listing my accomplishments. Again, we’re talking small wins: I called the bank to figure out how to set up an account; I researched the phrase “fiscal sponsor”; I cried only once that day from frustration. These bullet points created a sense of momentum. Maybe I wasn’t “crushing it” as a business owner but I was trying, learning, risking, and being brave. Every few weeks I looked back at my journal and noted how far I’d come. Writing down the tiny wins made my progress undeniable and gave me the courage to keep going.
Parents of girls: We are a culture obsessed with comparing ourselves to others (Instagram, anyone?) and hyper-focusing on our flaws. This is perhaps most true of girls, whose confidence drops by 30% between the ages 8 and 14 (The Confidence Code, 2019). It is a vital act and service to teach our girls, and model for them, how to appreciate who we are and what we bring to the table. Taking stock of our tiny wins is the way to do this because it is internal, in our control, and requires no outside validation.
Making “weekly wins” a policy
As MEDIAGIRLS started to grow and I hired a small staff, I instituted a policy that every Friday we would celebrate our “weekly wins.” What did we get right? What did we learn? What moved us forward? The rule is that we can’t mention at this time what went wrong or how it could have been better. Being humble and learning from our mistakes is also essential but a separate discussion. Some days are much harder than others to find the wins but I promise there’s always at least one.
Back to my daughter…
We appreciated the small – yet pivotal – win of realizing she was struggling and needed to adjust some habits. We talked out a few realistic changes she could try this week, not more than two or three, with a plan to check back in a week later to see what went well. Then we’d celebrate those tiny wins and tweak some more. I’m hoping this way of approaching life will stay with her long after quarantine ends and become part of her daily practice.
On my list of wins today: In addition to writing this blog, I showered before 9 AM. I remembered how to spell “accommodate” (okay, I had to look it up on Google but I’ve now memorized it, I think). I put my reading glasses where they actually belong so I wouldn’t spend an hour hunting for them later. It’s unlikely anyone will hear this news and fling confetti at me or raise their glass in a toast. But I’ll quietly cheer on my small victories and let them move me forward.
Michelle Cove is a journalist, filmmaker, author, and founder of the nonprofit MEDIAGIRLS. She uses storytelling and media to encourage, challenge, empower and inspire others and is seeking a job that allows her to put these skills to use; check out her resume if you may know the right fit. Michelle's favorite stories involve resilience, a blend of soft humility and sharp humor, and a belief that the universe is conspiring to help us all grow. Find her at LinkedIn.
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