I’m certainly in good company when it comes to jobseekers: There are 7.2 million Americans who don't have a job and are looking for one. I am fortunate in that I did not get furloughed or laid off (it was a choice I made), and I know millions of others are suffering far more substantially, trying to figure out how to make rent and/or buy groceries. While we are not all in the same boat, we all do need support because we are not in the driver’s seat during a time packed with uncertainty. What's the best way to support us? Certainly it depends on our personalities and, even then, our needs might fluctuate. But I thought it might be helpful to create a list of some of the best and worst things I’m hearing from loved ones, all who have good intentions, to get the conversation started.

Note: I'd love to hear from others what you find helpful and not helpful so please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.
 
4 things NOT to say to someone looking for a job:

1. "How is your search going – did you ever hear back from that company you were interviewing with?" If the jobhunter got a job, you’d know. We'll shout it out. By asking this, you’re likely making the person relive the disappointment of not getting it.
2. "It must be stressful looking for work when so many other people are looking for jobs at the same time!" Ummm, yes? Stating the obvious is not helpful.
3. "Have you thought about trying _____?"  It almost doesn’t matter what advice comes next. Most of us jobseekers know what we are interested in and are doing all sorts of research on how to pursue it. Your well-intentioned advice likely sends a message to us that we are clueless on the basics. There are exceptions to this rule, and do certainly share a tip if you believe it to be truly unique.
4. "I'm sure things will turn around soon!" Let's face it, no one can be sure what is going to happen in these chaotic times. This comment, made to be positive, honestly feels like a cheap throwaway.

4 things to say to someone looking for a job:

1. "I’d love to keep an eye out for jobs that might be a good fit for you. Is this something that would be helpful? If so, can you share info with me about what you’re seeking?" This is especially useful if you know people in the same industry. Do  only ask this if you’re going to follow through on it.
2. "I would love to go through my LinkedIn contacts and make some connections for you if that would be helpful."  Again, if you get a “yes,” make sure you act on it. If you don’t have time, offer the  jobhunter the chance to go through your LinkedIn contacts and report back on who they'd like to connect with.  
3. "I just want to reassure you in case there is any doubt that you have so many amazing skills and such good experience; you will find a job." This is a soothing balm, and even the  most confident among us may need reminders! 
4. "I don’t presume to have job solutions but I am here to listen with no judgement or advice." Our feelings about being unemployed may change regularly. I know I was extremely frustrated last Monday when the only listings were for biotech jobs (not my thing). On Thursday, I was elated when my unemployment allowed me to pack a book and snacks and ride my bike to the Boston Public Gardens. So, it’s best to ask jobhunters  if they want to talk about the search; and in any case, do bring up non-job topics too because it’s (hopefully) not the only thing we have going on in our lives.

For us jobhunters: It is up to us to stay in touch with our feelings and needs, and make sure we’re expressing them to our friends and loved ones. They are not mind readers.  It doesn’t mean you’re committing to only one type of conversation; we can always tell our family/friends, “So today, I could use _______” or “I’d love to talk about anything except jobhunting right now,” or whatever else feels right. Like all the emotional biggies—pregnancy, illness, divorce, pandemics, etc.—we should not test people on whether they guess correctly how to show up for us. What matters is that when we relay our hopes and needs, they do their best to listen and meet us where we are. We are for the most part all doing our best!

I remember several years ago having a discussion with my Israeli neighbor. She had just moved to the United States and told me she didn’t understand why we Americans are "so fake." She said she found it weird that when asked how we are doing, we always say, “I’m fine, how are you?” I’d never really thought about it, and I inquired how things were different in Israel. “Oh,” she said, “we’re honest with each other. If someone is having a terrible day, you hear about it." 

Huh.

It was the first time I realized that saying “I’m pretty good” is an automatic response, like breathing, for myself and so many of us.

One of the silver linings I’m seeing all around me is that people are being more vulnerable and candid with one another since the pandemic started. Some friends now answer “how are you?” with a straightforward, “not well” or “this is hard.” Others admit they’re not sure how they’re doing. Still others declare, “I’m good,” then pause, and confess “actually, that’s not true.” One friend called me back several minutes after we hung up the phone to say, “You know how I told you I’m fine? I’m kind of not.”