It is astonishing that this pandemic will likely be a catalyst for creating a more just and equitable world while simultaneously causing mass death, heartbreak, and further fracture to the Divided States of America. How can it produce so much good and evil? At a time when our collective thinking is categorized into black-or-white responses—about the pandemic, politics, social media, the state of the world—the best chance of us finding our way is to recognize and hold multiple, often competing, perspectives. It's how we cultivate empathy and understanding. One way to go about it: watch more content like the Netflix hit shows “The Queen’s Gambit” and “The Crown.”  

​Admittedly, I did not watch these shows to try and better myself. I hit "play" because they have brilliant writing, gorgeous cinematography, and top-notch acting. Add in high-stakes drama and women with serious public power...I'm in. What most captivated me, however, are the female leads who are both likable and unlikeable, rare pearls in Hollywood entertainment. We root for these women while often wondering if they are good people.

Enjoying aloof female leads takes work

In “The Queen’s Gambit,” lead character Beth Harmon is an orphaned chess prodigy who is not only brilliant at the game, but a focused, ambitious champion busting gender roles. An obvious heroine, right? She is also, however, quirky as hell in a way that is not endearing. Beth is not plucky or a fun-loving goofball that audiences are usually served up. If anything, she is aloof, unpleasant and even bratty. There is no rounding-the-corner moment where Beth transforms into a warm softy either. What makes us more forgiving of her behavior perhaps is knowing she was raised in an orphanage and then a highly dysfunctional home once adopted. Can we truly fault her? She is who she is, and the audience has to hold all of her sides, respecting her even while being repelled by her coldness. 

I was notably late to “The Crown.” But now that I’m half-way through season four, I can’t get enough of the Queen Mum, showcased as bright and determined and doing her best to learn an almost impossible role starting at such a young age. (I think of my derelict choices in my 20s and how absurd it would have been for me to assess the well-being of my country.) Unlike Beth from "The Queen's Gambit," she never chose her role of power; she had to find peace with it. The Queen is also viewed as  cold, out of touch, and sometimes cruel (I am thinking, in particular, of how emotionally withholding she is with her children, especially Prince Charles, while being self-aware enough to know it). It is practically criminal in our culture to be non-maternal but The Queen had her own (royal) culture with an entirely different set of values. Our feelings for her change from scene to scene; and it surprising how much we can respect someone so infuriating.

How shows like these change us

"The Queen's Gambit" and "The Crown" remind us that most people are not good or bad, superheroes or  villains. We are all susceptible to inflicting pain on ourselves and others when we feel wounded. We are capable of being our most generous when we feel nourished emotionally. Content like this inspires us to dig deeper and appreciate that most of us are truly doing our best while making complicated decisions in real time and when we are exhausted. When we watch these leads from the comfort of our couches, we know we could do better; we also know we probably wouldn't. The beauty of these shows is that they make this medicine of complexity go down with heaping spoons of high-drama competitions, complex script writing, and sparkly dresses.

I hope the enormous popularity of both shows prove yet again that there is a huge appetite for complicated female leads. I also hope the "water cooler" discussions we engage in about them help open our minds, expose us to new perspectives, and make us hit pause before so quickly labeling others “unlikeable” or “likeable.” Both can be true, are true. If we can explore what conditions contribute to the way people think and behave, we can improve the way we interact with one another and more selectively choose our battles. Escapist superhero movies and joyful rom-coms certainly have their entertainment place, but shows like "The Crown" and "The Queen's Gambit" can forever change us if we let them.

I remember several years ago having a discussion with my Israeli neighbor. She had just moved to the United States and told me she didn’t understand why we Americans are "so fake." She said she found it weird that when asked how we are doing, we automatically say, “I’m fine, how are you?” I’d never really thought about it, and I inquired how things were different in Israel. “Oh,” she said, “we’re honest with each other. If someone is having a terrible day, you hear all about it." 

Huh.

It was the first time I realized that saying “I’m good” is a default response, like breathing, for myself and for so many of us.

One of the silver linings I’m seeing all around me now is that people are being more vulnerable and candid with one another since the pandemic started. Some friends now answer “How are you?” with a straightforward, “not well” or “this is hard.” Others admit they’re not sure how they’re doing. Still others declare, “I’m good,” then pause, and confess “actually, that’s not true. I'm kind of freaking out.” One friend called me back several minutes after we hung up the phone to say, “You know how I told you I’m fine? I’m not.”

I’m certainly in good company when it comes to jobseekers: There are 7.2 million Americans who don't have a job and are looking for one. I am fortunate in that I did not get furloughed or laid off (it was a choice I made), and I know millions of others are suffering far more substantially, trying to figure out how to make rent and/or buy groceries. While we are not all in the same boat, we all do need support because we are not in the driver’s seat during a time packed with uncertainty. What's the best way to support us? Certainly it depends on our personalities and, even then, our needs might fluctuate. But I thought it might be helpful to create a list of some of the best and worst things I’m hearing from loved ones, all who have good intentions, to get the conversation started.

Note: I'd love to hear from others what you find helpful and not helpful so please feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments.
 
4 things NOT to say to someone looking for a job:

1. "How is your search going – did you ever hear back from that company you were interviewing with?" If the jobhunter got a job, you’d know. We'll shout it out. By asking this, you’re likely making the person relive the disappointment of not getting it.
2. "It must be stressful looking for work when so many other people are looking for jobs at the same time!" Ummm, yes? Stating the obvious is not helpful.
3. "Have you thought about trying _____?"  It almost doesn’t matter what advice comes next. Most of us jobseekers know what we are interested in and are doing all sorts of research on how to pursue it. Your well-intentioned advice likely sends a message to us that we are clueless on the basics. There are exceptions to this rule, and do certainly share a tip if you believe it to be truly unique.
4. "I'm sure things will turn around soon!" Let's face it, no one can be sure what is going to happen in these chaotic times. This comment, made to be positive, honestly feels like a cheap throwaway.

4 things to say to someone looking for a job:

1. "I’d love to keep an eye out for jobs that might be a good fit for you. Is this something that would be helpful? If so, can you share info with me about what you’re seeking?" This is especially useful if you know people in the same industry. Do  only ask this if you’re going to follow through on it.
2. "I would love to go through my LinkedIn contacts and make some connections for you if that would be helpful."  Again, if you get a “yes,” make sure you act on it. If you don’t have time, offer the  jobhunter the chance to go through your LinkedIn contacts and report back on who they'd like to connect with.  
3. "I just want to reassure you in case there is any doubt that you have so many amazing skills and such good experience; you will find a job." This is a soothing balm, and even the  most confident among us may need reminders! 
4. "I don’t presume to have job solutions but I am here to listen with no judgement or advice." Our feelings about being unemployed may change regularly. I know I was extremely frustrated last Monday when the only listings were for biotech jobs (not my thing). On Thursday, I was elated when my unemployment allowed me to pack a book and snacks and ride my bike to the Boston Public Gardens. So, it’s best to ask jobhunters  if they want to talk about the search; and in any case, do bring up non-job topics too because it’s (hopefully) not the only thing we have going on in our lives.

For us jobhunters: It is up to us to stay in touch with our feelings and needs, and make sure we’re expressing them to our friends and loved ones. They are not mind readers.  It doesn’t mean you’re committing to only one type of conversation; we can always tell our family/friends, “So today, I could use _______” or “I’d love to talk about anything except jobhunting right now,” or whatever else feels right. Like all the emotional biggies—pregnancy, illness, divorce, pandemics, etc.—we should not test people on whether they guess correctly how to show up for us. What matters is that when we relay our hopes and needs, they do their best to listen and meet us where we are. We are for the most part all doing our best!